Trauma and Healing of the Native Family – Dr. Huang Weiren
Primeval family
Oral by Dr. Huang Weiren, compiled by Dong Wenfang
The impact of the native family on the individual
What is a "native family"?
The English of the original family is FAMILY OF ORIGIN. The "birth" in the original refers to the environment in which I grew up. It means that I grew up with my parents' family. For the Chinese, it is our original home.There are two homes in life, one is the home where we grew up, and the home where we grew up into married life, the home where we are headed.
What impact will the native family have on our life?Let me first give some examples.Maybe, wait a minute, and then analyze what we might need as we grow up.
Why fall in love with him/her?
The impact of a native family on a person is simply that the native family affects the growth of a person's personality, and the growth of a person's personality affects the person's interpersonal relationship. It is also the EQ that most people often talk about now.It affects interpersonal relationships, career, family, and even why a person falls in love with a certain type of person when they are in love. There are very interesting studies in psychology.
For example, I have a case client who is very handsome and has good conditions. Many girls like him, but for him, the first girl he loves most in his life was an attempted suicide who had just been discharged from the hospital. The depression sufferer, he just fell madly in love with this girl, but because there were too many problems in the middle, the result was a painful break up.
After breaking up, he felt that life was meaningless, and he couldn't fall in love with other girls anymore.When other girls expressed their affection for him, he tried to socialize, but he just couldn't fall in love with these girls.After a while, he fell in love with another girl vigorously.From his definition, this is his second love.This second love turned out to be a girl with anorexia (or bulimia, eating disorder in English). Because of some emotional distress, she can eat two boxes of ice cream and one in just half an hour. Cheesecake and a lot of biscuits, because they are not safe in their hearts, they can get them from food. After eating them, they take laxatives or spit them out for the sake of being slim and guilty. Chinese may be translated into neurotic violence (disgusting). ) Eating disorder.
When you see his native family, you can understand that he may not only fall in love with someone with mental problems.The third person he is currently in love with turned out to be a married woman.The woman is like a dying flower, and her husband can't moisturize her. As a result, when they meet this boy, the two have a dry and fiery love.As you can see, this boy is constantly attracted by these suffering girls.
Role inversion
There are reasons behind many things.This boy is strongly attracted to this type of girl. In my opinion, it is like a person walking in the dark, not knowing what he is doing. Generally speaking, he will keep going like this. If he fails, he has not gone through some introspection. During the process, the percentage of failures is XNUMX%, but failure does not mean that he will succeed next time. He may continue to explore the same pattern in the dark until he receives psychotherapy and rediscovers him. Why on earth is this happening.
It turned out that when he was twelve years old, his father had an affair. His mother was a very happy woman. As a result, he suffered a mental breakdown due to his father’s affair. Suddenly from the role of the child to the role of caring for the mother, because the mother needs him too much emotionally, this is called role inversion.
Back to the past
Although this boy also loves his mother, he needs his mother’s love more. Unfortunately, his mother is too melancholy and can’t give him any love, so why he will continue to be attracted to such a person? There is a clinical psychology. A term is compulsive repetition, which means that he can only go back to the wounded in the past. For example, his past girlfriends were in the same mental state as his mother, and they were all very painful.This boy hopes that his good behavior can help these people no longer suffer from pain, become happy, and then love him again.
I have an example that Chinese people can understand better.After a relative of me gave birth to a second child, the confinement was not done well, and his body was very weak afterwards. No matter how many medicines she took, she couldn't take it well, she was very worried.Until an older woman tells her, don’t worry, you can make up for the injuries she suffered in the past by having a good confinement at the next child. Sure enough, when she gave birth to the third child, her body seemed to be back to the previous state. Confinement properly, make up for it, and sure enough she is getting better after the third child.This is a very strange phenomenon. It seems that people psychologically want to return to the past painful state, to return to the past psychological state, just like a deformed piece of steel, which must be roasted and reshaped.
Suppressed emotions
The more injuries we have suffered since childhood, the higher the demands on ourselves.For example, I have a case of a famous university professor who has very high accomplishments and very high IQ. He claims to have the best control over his temper. Normally, he doesn't laugh much, and most people treat him far away.His wife lives with him, and it feels like living with a computer, because he controls his emotions very well.
The problem is that he controls his emotions too well.One day, they gave birth to a son, but when he saw his wife give all his love to the newborn, this accomplished professor couldn't stand it and became jealous of his child.Once again, they watched a movie called "Mom, love me again." This iron man who has never cried turned into tears. Why is that so?It turned out that when he was born, his parents had many problems with the families of both parties. The family background of both parties was too disparity, and his mother was forced to be divorced by his father's family.
So he didn't have maternal love when he was growing up, because his mother left, he grew up under the supervision of his father.Father didn't know how to take care of his emotional needs. Gradually he learned that it is painful to have emotions, so he learned to suppress emotions.Fortunately, he is very clever, so he relies on his cleverness to succeed all the way as a pillar of his self-esteem.This person has some flaws in emotional development.
The emergence of old wounds
We often say that when a person interacts with the closest person, it is the easiest to show the injury in the past.For example, when you are in love, the psychological needs you didn't get in the past will now be doubled to get back from your partner, hoping that the other side will give you double.Or, after your child is born, if you have been severely abused by your father in the past, then you may now have two tendencies. One is that you identify with the abusive father, and you unknowingly become a beater. The child’s person, repeat this pattern, you don’t know why you hit the child, but it is natural to continue.Some people go the opposite way.For example, excessive spoiling of children.He didn't dare to discipline him at all and let the children ride him as a horse.
Your native family can have a huge impact on the way you discipline your children.In fact, many studies have pointed out that most of these people who will have marital violence and will beat children in the future are mostly beaten by their fathers when they are growing up, or they have seen their father beat their mothers.
Emotional button
Between husband and wife, problems arising from the original family most often occur.For example, I have a case client with an older brother and a younger brother. The older brothers and younger brothers are better at talking than him, but he is quiet and thoughtful. There is a proverb: "Children who can be noisy always get chicken drumsticks." In the middle, no one pays attention.Therefore, the injuries he suffered while growing up were what he feared the most, and that was unfairness.
This kind of most fearful or emotionally sensitive, I give it a psychological term called "emotional button." His emotional button means that when he feels that others are unfair to him, he will explode.
But the family where her wife grew up also had some problems.His wife was the eldest daughter. Later, her father had an affair, and the eldest daughter had a good relationship with her mother, so he had many conflicts with him.The father gave all his love to his coquettish sister.The girl needed love when she was growing up, but she never got the love of her father.So her emotional button is to be cherished, especially to be cherished by men.
Since the wife didn't get many favors since she was a child, her emotional buttons had to be very special and got special attention, so sometimes she would play tricks at home, and the husband couldn't stand it and felt unfair.The wife thought with all her heart: If I play a trick, you will be more tolerant, and my past injuries will be healed.Unexpectedly, it triggered Mr.'s psychological button for fear of unfairness.When the husband is fairer and more reasonable, the wife does not feel that she is being favored, and the two people freeze in the tension caused by the influence of the original family.And there are polarized, more and more extreme situations.
Turn on the lights
Unless we turn on the lights and see why two people are torturing each other in this way, we can solve the problem fundamentally.Only by turning on the light can you know what you are doing.
When her father visited, the gentleman saw a painful relationship between his wife and his father.The object of her anger is actually the father. Before, when this gentleman wanted to ask for fairness at home, the wife would suddenly seem to be returning to the original family since she was a child. The husband in front of her was no longer her husband, and her subconscious feeling seemed to be strict. The harsh father is asking himself to touch the scars of the past again.
It was not until her father really came to her present life that she had the opportunity to turn her anger towards her father and learn to express her anger in counseling.In the process, slowly, she stopped turning her anger towards her husband. He saw his wife's pain and began to love his wife, and his wife began to appreciate her husband, which became a virtuous circle.
We have to change our subconscious ignorance of what we are doing into a state of conscious dominance, understand what the past influences us, and jump out of the past, we don’t want to blame our elders, they are not intentional, they just see The model of my own parents has been passed down from generation to generation.
Therefore, the topics we will talk about in the next unit are very important, to help you see what needs are in the process of growing up, and to help yourself see the psychological trauma that has not been met in the past.Don't force anger to "collect debt" with your current partner or children. Instead, use reason and love to slowly resolve these unsolved problems in the past.
The basic needs of the inner world
If we want to find some solutions to the problems, we must understand what God's heart needs were when he created mankind, because of the psychological needs of growing up, if we don't know which ones, how can we satisfy them?
When God created the world and all things, in this physical world, there were laws of physics. When God created man, there were also some psychological laws in the various psychological phenomena of man.If we have some understanding of these psychological laws, it will be easier to solve our own psychological needs, and know how to meet these needs in our own marriage and family in a reasonable way, instead of forced or angry.Only by learning to understand the level of their own needs can they better understand how to raise their children, grow up in a more healthy environment, and develop higher EQ.
Have a sense of security
People’s basic needs are the most basic of their physical needs. Everyone needs food, drinking water, and air to survive. Above this basic level, there are psychological needs.
The first level of psychological needs is a need for a sense of security.In other words, a person needs a safe situation after birth, knowing whether the loved one is nearby, and whether there is anything to eat at the next meal.If there is no basic safe environment, it will cause considerable psychological trauma to a person's growth.There is a big relationship with love, marriage, or relationship with children.
For example, there was a recent study in which psychologists focused on the psychological state of orphans in Bosnia who were ravaged by the war, and found that these orphans had no fixed person beside them to take care of their needs, so their psychological growth usually It develops towards two extremes. One is that when someone encounters a person, he becomes insensitive, like a machine, without any emotional reaction. People love him, he will not laugh, touch him, and he will not cry.This is a very tragic situation, as if the heart has died.
The other group developed to the other extreme.Just because there is no psychological boundary, he will not distinguish between relatives and estrangements. He smiles at people when he meets people, because he knows that he needs to laugh to make people like him, and he walks with people when he meets them. This is very dangerous and may be People are abducted or used by others.Just because he needs the love of others too much, he is hungry and he can't tell who is a relative or a stranger.
This is the most basic-level need. If you don’t even have the most basic level of security, then this person will not have a sense of security in future interpersonal relationships and the world. For example, when someone smiles, you think they are laughing at him or He is unfavorable, but there is no way to imagine that other people's smiles may be kind smiles, but like his smiles.People who have been mentally injured since childhood can easily regard human kindness as malicious.It is not difficult to imagine that this will produce a lot of conflicts in his family and marriage life.
Body touch
Another need is the need to be touched.There are many dying patients, even if they have lost the ability to communicate, they often find that if you touch and love him gently at this time, he will respond and he will feel the touch.
From the last stage of life, we jump back to the first stage of life.In fact, people need physical contact throughout their lives. There are also some interesting studies in the age of babies.For example, there is a psychologist Professor Bayer at the University of Rhode Island. He did a study and divided newborn babies into two groups. Time to undress both the baby and the mother, let the baby lie in the mother's arms, put a blanket on both of them, doing this every day.
After a period of time, we will measure these two groups of babies. One group has sufficient physical contact, and the other group has only normal contact.This group of babies with sufficient maternal contact has two indicators of health: one is that the heartbeat of this group of children is slower, which means their heart is stronger, and the other indicator is that this group of babies who are in full contact have blood The nutrient content in the medium is relatively high, which means that it is healthier and will have a better connection with the mother in the future. The possibility of mothers breastfeeding is much higher than that of the other group.Therefore, we all have this need from a baby to the end of life. Therefore, there is a saying in English: "We need three hugs every day, so we can survive very well, and three more hugs can be refreshed. "(We need three hugs to survive, another three hugs to thrive)
Two elements of psychotherapy
XNUMX. Mirroring
One of the two most effective elements of psychotherapy is "Mirroring".For example, suppose you are sitting in the living room, when your child pushes the door and enters, your eyes will light up immediately.Not because the child runs fast or looks particularly beautiful, but because this is your child, you love him unconditionally, and naturally you will accept him, just as the Father loves us and accepts us unconditionally.
Why is it called mirror reflection.Psychology has also done a lot of related research on this, and found that a child has various emotions in the process of growing up. If we know how to channel it, the child’s psychological development will be sound. If we don’t understand, he will Will be hurt, and there will be some obstacles in his growth process.
Compliant growth
For example, when a child sees a puppy coming over on the road, the child will say, "Oh, dog!" At this time, if the mother says, "It's dirty, what's so easy to touch." You can imagine, this The connection in the child's brain will be like a short circuit, unable to develop his emotions compliantly.His emotions are blocked. If the mother says, "Wow, the dog is so cute!" It is to follow the feeling in his heart to let the child continue to develop his emotions.If the child says, "Oh, the plane." Mom says, "What's so beautiful!" The growth of the child's brain is short-circuited again. Similarly, if the mother says, "The plane flies so high, it's so fun!" It will be able to develop smoothly.
When a child is crying, if the father throws the child on the bed angrily and ignores them, then the child’s emotional brain and the line between the future brain development cortex are short, and he cannot relieve his emotions. In the future, it will be more difficult for him to understand his own emotions, and he will not be able to understand the emotions of others. EQ will be affected.
If the father not only throws him on the bed, but also beats him to tell him not to cry. The child had such a need, but at this time, it would be like a hot heart being poured on a bucket of ice water, and it would be short-circuited immediately. , There is no way to develop well.On the contrary, if the parents know how to hold a child when he is crying, gently shake him so as to say, "Are you sad? Need Mom and Dad?" The child will be comforted.
Many studies have found that this can help children slowly develop their ability to deal with their emotions, which is self-soothe.In this way, children who encounter grievances outside in the future will be more able to comfort themselves and have a higher ability to deal with setbacks.Otherwise, children who are emotionally short-circuited will get angry when they encounter setbacks, or hide in the corner and don't know how to deal with it.
Wounded
There is a saying that Hurt people hurt people. It means that the injured also hurt people.Parents do not intend to harm their children, but if they do not study, problems will occur.Because parents are children’s first psychological mirrors, children don’t know who they are. They use their parents to laugh or get angry at him to slowly build up their self-image or self-concept.
Unfortunately, as a person, we always have weaknesses.We always like those who are first in the grade or who are beautiful and cute. We like those who are smart and smart. We prefer those who look like ourselves or whose personality is like our own. Children who are left out will pay the price in the future.Therefore, it is very important for parents to understand the children's psychology and love them fully.
A parent who still has injuries on his body, that is to say, a parent who has not yet been able to face his own problems, is less able to tolerate the negative emotions of a child.Chinese people like to use high-pressure methods. Only children are allowed to have positive emotions, and they are only allowed to be "good" and not allowed to have negative emotions.Because these negative emotions bring troubles to your own heart, it is tantamount to offending the mines in our hearts in the past. Because it is too uncomfortable, it suppresses the child and forbids the child to express anger.
But from a psychological point of view, it is very important for children to express their anger in the right way.The Bible says: "Get angry but don't sin." It means that as long as you are normal people will get angry. This is a normal emotion. You have to guide him and let him use appropriate methods and non-criminal methods to guide him; and Do not accumulate. Accumulation can cause bitterness and cause many physiological and psychogenic diseases such as headaches and migraines, which may be caused by psychological problems.
Ease emotions
When it comes to grooming people's emotions, it has something to do with a person's EQ, especially the negative emotions of oneself and children, and there are many connections.For example, when a child grows to two or three years old, his parents originally spoiled him, and suddenly a little brother is about to be born. This little child will have some emotional changes. He may start to be jealous of the little brother. At this time, He will have some negative emotions, such as hating his younger brother, and may go over and pinch him.Do you think, how would ordinary Chinese parents react?He might be very angry, and immediately blame the three-year-old child and hit him immediately.
You have to know that the result of suppressing this child's emotions is that this child used to feel that he has fallen out of favor, but now he finally has evidence that his parents are completely on the side of his own enemy---brother.It is true that this child may become obedient on the surface and follow the rules in front of his parents, but when his parents turn their heads, they squeeze his brother severely.
Conversely, if mom and dad know how to ease their children's emotions when they see this situation, because it is the parents' responsibility to divert.In this situation, parents should hold their children and say to him: "Mom and dad saw the emotion you had toward your younger brother just now. Are you angry that mom and dad gave your younger brother more attention and left you out?" The child may start crying at this time. Mom and Dad can take the opportunity to touch their heads to soothe him and say, "It's so pitiful, so pitiful. Mom and Dad know that you are sad. When you feel lonely in the future, come to Mom and Dad. Love you more."
A child may ask, "Who do you love more?" A wise parent may say, "Of course I love you more, because I have loved you for two or three years!" Use these words to educate the children. , His emotions will develop healthily, and instead he will be able to love his brother.If you just suppress him, just for the superficial harmony, all superficial harmony is very cheap, and you don't know when it will be detonated, but there is no way to control it.
XNUMX. Idealization (Idealizing）
The psychological element opposite to the "reflection in the mirror" just now is that another concept is Idealizing.Simply put, each of us needs a higher, greater, and wiser power above us.For a child, he needs to have a mom and dad, who can love him on the one hand, and be able to control and counsel him on the other.
Follow the track
The biggest sorrow is that people grow up in a wealthy family. Mom and Dad are very busy. The child becomes a little monster. Whatever he wants, he will give it to him. At this time, the child will hate his parents and cannot control himself. Emotions in the mind.
In modern families, for families in mainland China, there is a four-two-one phenomenon, that is, there are four grandparents, two parents, one child, and three thousand pampers. No one dares to control it. A little bully gives whatever he wants, and I don't know how many children have behavior problems.
The problem is not how much love he gets, he also needs a norm outside to control him.For example, if a child steals money, if no one catches him and can control him, the child's heart will become more and more insecure, unable to control his emotions, and he will become bigger and bigger in the future, to the point where he will live a lifetime. Will be ruined.
But if he stole money and was caught by his parents and severely sanctioned, it could help children build up a sense of inner security. It seems that he can put so much impulse in his heart on the rails, and the train can follow the tracks. The line and the rush are fast and develop very well.
Love and justice
Many children who are over-loved often have good eyes and low hands, and lack of willpower. They have insufficient inner security and cannot control their inner impulses; therefore, how to balance love and discipline, and balance Mirroring and Idealizing is a very important thing.This is like God’s love and justice. Mirroring is God’s love, unconditional love; and Idealizing is God’s justice, a category, that is, full of grace and truth.
Our parents, no one has ever taught them.The most important lesson in life is how to have a happy family life, and there are few lessons to teach us.We are now exploring the purpose of life and family, not to blame them.We have this information now, we have to take responsibility, starting from our generation, stop passing on from generation to generation, learn well and love well.
Heal the wounds of the past
The most important thing for us to learn is to stop pointing our fingers at others and saying: It was others who made us become like this today.Because the first step in all healing is to start a process of self-examination, to understand what happened in the process of growing up.We must use our current vision to go back and examine it again.
View the past
Some people will ask, the past is over, why should I go back to see it?If your life is pretty good now and there are no problems, maybe your needs in retrospect are not so great.But if you find that you often have conflicting and unpleasant experiences when you get along with others, you need to re-examine the past.Because, from a psychological point of view, any over-emotional reaction, such as abnormal anger, over-sensitivity, generally speaking, is somewhat related to your growing experience.
The simplest example is that my wife and I returned to Taiwan not long ago and revisited her old home when she was a child.She left a pretty good childhood memory in her aunt’s house. She often told me cheerfully that there was a big river over there, and the children were playing there. It was so pleasant, and there was also a large fruit forest where they could pick fruits casually. , She remembered that every time she wanted to enter the aunt's compound, the threshold was almost too high.
After returning to the old place, where is the big river?There is only a small ditch.So we asked the elders who had lived there for XNUMX to XNUMX years if there were any new buildings nearby, and whether the river was filled up?Those people said that there is no big river at all, it has always been like this.From a child’s point of view, the big river is nothing more than a small ditch.Moreover, there are no fruit trees, only three or four fruit trees; from an adult's point of view, the threshold is also very low.The landscape has not changed, but people's views have changed.Therefore, if I don’t go back to see it from my childhood experience, the big river is still a big river. Although it is in fact a small ditch, from subjective experience, it is a big river.It's like a saying in English: "Time stands still."
Explore
There is an old man who fled early and left his hometown. He had no choice but to come to the United States and live in Sanla City.He hates the American environment very much. He has always felt how sweet the water in his hometown is, how big the pears in his hometown are, everything is good from his hometown, but the United States is not good.It was not until mainland China opened up that he had the opportunity to return to his hometown; he ate the pears from the past, drank the water from the past, and met people in the past, only to realize that his hometown was not as beautiful as he had imagined.After this process, he returned to Sanyan City and finally settled down. Seeing that his children and grandchildren were all here, he felt: This is my home. The hometown I thought of in the past made me quite disappointed.Therefore, people should learn to examine what happened in the past from a more mature and objective perspective.
Maybe your father was too unsympathetic to you at the beginning, maybe you now see from a new perspective that your father is a last resort and accidentally said an angry word, but the hurt to you is so real and so eternal.Unless you have a way to go back and explore, it will be difficult to jump out of this and understand that the father has a reason for the father and wants to forgive him.
This is why we have to go back to the past psychological process and explore it.In the process of exploration, there are several very important steps, including some basic understanding of what happened in your native family.
ranking in home
For example, the order in which each person is born also has an impact.The boss has the responsibility of the boss. He has a strong desire for accomplishment and a sense of responsibility. If the boss has a good homework and the second child was born on the first day, seeing the role of good homework being snatched by his brother, he would never be able to do so well in his life. , What should I do?He still has to survive, maybe he will develop his sports well.As a result, when the third child was born, the eldest brother did his homework well and the second sister was active, so he couldn’t do anything. Maybe he became sweet-mouthed and used sweet-mouthed as a way of survival, or he was a quiet child or a bad child. To get attention.
Therefore, the various experiences in the native family have a great influence on a person.Everyone’s growing experience has produced some imprints on his body, and more or less influence has formed a psychological button.For example, if the youngest is afraid of not getting noticed, you must speak very loudly.
I have a case in which he is the youngest and he was not taken seriously as he grew up.Since childhood, his trauma is that everyone thinks he is very thin and useless, so his emotional button is to be a very capable and strong person, because the experience of being seen as a cowardly from childhood is too painful.
When he marries a wife in the future, when he sees his wife chopped vegetables, he will be angry and scold her for being careless.It turned out that the wife's carelessness triggered the incompetent psychological button in the husband's heart.There are also quite a few problems in his interpersonal relationship, mainly because he can't stand his incompetence.In the company, some of his subordinates couldn't bear to pick others up everywhere.He can't stand his own incompetence, nor can he stand the incompetence of others.
Therefore, in the workplace, in order to overcome the psychological feeling of incompetence, he desperately suppressed, showing particularly strong competitiveness, and always striving for the first place.Playing tennis in private must be better than others. If you don't play tennis, you will get angry.Because the pain of incompetence has not been resolved, it is just a cover on the surface.
Emotional button
You must at least understand what your emotional buttons are, and you won't easily blame others.A child who saw his mother use her tears to manipulate her father when he was a child would become furious when he saw his wife shed tears when he grew up; instead of comforting his wife, he would be angry with his wife because he subconsciously thought, The wife is going to manipulate him with tears.
This wife is also very pitiful, she just accidentally violated the mental button of the husband.At that moment, the husband thought she was his mother.This is the importance of psychological buttons. We must understand what our psychological buttons are; some people are afraid of being wronged, and some people are afraid of unfairness.
There is a wife who gets furious when she sees her husband watching TV.Because she grew up in a poor family. The reason was that her father was so lazy and watched TV at home all day, which made her life very painful.This daughter swears in the future that she will never marry a lazy person.Indeed, she did not marry a lazy person, and her husband is quite hardworking.
However, unfortunately, the husband worked for a day and wanted to turn on the TV to rest when he returned home, but he was seen by his wife.At that moment, she repeated her previous painful experience, as if the person in front of her was the father who was sitting there watching TV in the past; at this moment, the wife walked over anxiously and told her husband, "Don’t watch too much TV. Young and strong don’t work hard, and the boss is sad.” The husband felt baffled: I just want to take a break when I come back!If the husband wants to watch more TV, it will put pressure on the wife.
So, you can imagine that this family has a lot of unprovoked conflicts because of the original family in the past, thinking that the past has happened in the present life, and the people around you now just happen to trigger you. Psychological button.
Inner vows
In addition, one thing to pay attention to is the growth experience brought about-the English is called MOTTO, which is the Chinese motto.Or some people call it an inner vow.
For example, when a girl is growing up, her father ran away with other girls, and she made an inner vow that men would run away with young girls, turning into a belief, and in the future in her own love relationship. , There will be problems. She will be jealous or afraid. The more she wants to control, the more nervous she will be.It is not until she understands the control of this motto or inner vow that she can enter the conscious state from the subconscious state, and have some adjustments and choices from the beginning.
There are many kinds of inner vows. For example, men are unreliable, so you have to save private money; or your parents are very poor since childhood, and you think you have to work hard in life, work is life, life is work; such a person After marrying and having children in the future, his goal in life is still work, and there is no way to escape from such an inner vow.
Also, note that after these inner vows are produced by past life experiences, everyone will have their own way of defense.How to deal with interpersonal relationships?Generally speaking, there are several different ways.
Interpersonal interaction
Psychologist Honey said that there are three ways to interact with people. One is to please people (MOVE TOWARDS PEOPLE): He always smiles when he sees people to please people. This is "As long as I'm good, people love me." Inner vows, always be a good person, be a good person, thinking that such a person will love him.But if he only uses this kind of pleasing way to deal with different problems, there will be problems and there will be no flexibility.Because people need several ways to face problems.
The other is AGAINST PEOPLE: before people accuse you, they accuse others fiercely to keep people away from you.We will also see some people around us who are fierce all day long, making people afraid to approach him.In fact, this is also one of the ways to protect yourself.He criticizes you when he meets you, making you feel like you have to keep a three-point distance from him.In this way, he hides his weakness in his heart without being exposed, but the price he pays is too great. In fact, he needs love in his heart, but he rejects others by criticizing and attacking others. outside.Such a person is very lonely and cannot be loved by others.
The third way is to isolate people (MOVE AWAY FROM PEOPLE): that is, keep a distance from people, do not attack or please, just observe people from a distance, and even seem to tell yourself that you have no shortcomings, just like Computer, everything is done well.He uses a rational method to protect his feelings, so that he does not need to interact with anyone. Such a person does not tell others what he has in mind, and has a taste of isolation.
There is another kind of person that Honey hasn't mentioned, who laughs all day and uses a clown way to please.Although it is a bit similar to the first type, the first type really wants to please people. This type is a communicative type, but it will never tell people what you feel in your heart. It uses a clown way to defend yourself.
learning experience
Self-examination requires learning.It’s difficult for us to know for ourselves without studying. Today we already have this information, so we can read some books, participate in some seminars and listen to lectures on interpersonal relations to help us understand our emotions and learn more about people and relationships. The psychological operation between people.
Self-examination is the first step, and the second step is empirical learning. It cannot be completely separated from the first step.For example, when you listen to this type of speech, you will constantly reflect on what happened in your life in the past. This is actually a bit of empirical learning.
Record emotions
But there are quite a few steps that can help a person understand their past more deeply and begin to make some changes.For example, in addition to attending a speech, you can make some diary by yourself, but it is not necessary to write down all the details, but an emotional diary.What is recorded inside is what happened that caused you to have an excessive reaction.Such things, if you can record them, will be of great help to your own growth and mental rehabilitation process.
I have a case. When I went shopping in a shopping mall with my relatives, I found a missing three-year-old child who was crying.His relatives walked over to comfort the child, but he suddenly asked the relatives to be careful not to touch the child.Relatives asked him why, and he replied, "The parents of the child might think that you are going to abduct their child!" His relatives felt baffled.
So after he went back, he began to think back, why did he have such an emotional reaction?He thought that when he was a child, his parents were often absent, and when he was crying alone, no one came to comfort him; now he saw a similar situation with a child, and someone wanted to care about him, an unnamed fire broke out in his heart.
When he realizes this, he can slowly make some adjustments.We don't know how many experiences of this type in our lives. If we can start recording bit by bit through our emotional diary, it can help us to reflect on ourselves.
Create a new experience
Another very important point is that in the process of self-rehabilitation psychotherapy, we must give ourselves some new and good emotional experiences.The injuries suffered in the past are indeed injured, but we must not forget to give ourselves some new good emotional experiences.
For example, there is a drop of ink in a glass of clean water, what should I do?My opinion is to keep adding fresh water to dilute it.Therefore, we must continue to add some good experiences.Don't let your life be too monotonous, otherwise, you will lose the joy in life.
You have to try and learn to create some new experiences for yourself.Even if we are XNUMX or XNUMX years old, we can still do this.For example, you can learn flower arranging, learn talent, and do things you have never done before; interact with different people, listen to different music, and go to church. The church often has some growth groups and some puzzles. Sexual activities are helpful to our growth.
For our family, we can also create new experiences together.Maybe, when your whole family goes out for a trip next time, don’t stay in the best and most beautiful hotel, you might as well go camping; moreover, choose the time of a heavy thunderstorm, because in this case, the whole family will help each other in the thunderstorm and love each other. This kind of experience is unforgettable for the whole family.These are all ways to add new good experiences.
Learn new life experiences
The first step of spiritual healing was mentioned in the previous unit.It is also a rational awakening, a re-examination of what happened in the past, and an understanding of this aspect.But if we stay at the previous step, even if we have participated in many courses and bought a lot of books, there will be no big changes in behavior.
It's like, we bought a map of Israel and want to visit, but people must go to Israel in person to know what Israel is all about.Therefore, a step emphasized in psychology is empirical learning.
Analyze the past
If you want to go back to the past family history with personal experience, first of all, you can do one thing, that is, LIFELINE ANALYSIS, which is the analysis of lifeline or life history.To put it simply, you can take a piece of white paper and draw a horizontal line. The left end of the line is ○ years old, the right end of the line is written with the current age, the upper part of the line is written with happy and happy life memories, and the lower part of the line is written The history of past injuries.
For example, when you were four years old, your family went to Sun Moon Lake to play, and you were talking and laughing in the car, so you wrote this good experience above four; or when you were seven, you didn’t learn mathematics well. Negative experience can be written under seven; maybe when I was eight years old, my parents gave my most beloved white dog to someone, saying that the white dog was unlucky. I remember the scene when the white dog was taken away, and my eyes were full of tears. If you can’t sleep all night, you can write under eight.
Maybe when I was ten, my dad gave me a drum. I’ve never been so happy in my life. When I was XNUMX years old, I talked back to my dad, but my dad fixed it. Before I left home when I was XNUMX, my dad said he was very proud of me and he was the first. Xia encouraged me positively; when my grandfather died when I was XNUMX, it was the first time I saw my father shed tears...You can record this kind of things one by one, and of course you will have more painful or joyful experiences than these.
For example, in one of my cases, his parents had a bad relationship since he was a child, and his father was often away from home.One day when he came home, he saw his mother and another man in bed. She was shocked to the child’s heart. His mother said to him, “You must never tell Dad about this.” Just imagine, in such a young heart , Must bear such a big secret, it will cause a lot of trauma to this life.
Reliable person
When reviewing such an experience, it is best to have the so-called "SAFE PEOPLE" by your side.He can be your best friend, as long as you are free to be yourself in front of him.
Sometimes, the closest person around us is not necessarily a reliable person.For example, you are dating a girl your parents object to. When you quarrel with a girl, your parents may take the opportunity to tell you that your girlfriend is not, so you can’t talk to your parents.Therefore, parents are not reliable people in this matter.
Our lives are often full of people who have good motives for us, but when we tell them the words in our hearts, they criticize us and persecute us in various ways.No wonder some people confide their life trauma to the stranger in the seat next door on the plane from Boston to Los Angeles. They feel very happy when they get off the plane, because everyone knows that no one will meet anyone again.
It is not easy to find such objects in our lives, but when we open our eyes and observe, we can indeed find some people to help us keep secrets.It is very important to help people keep secrets.This is why when I speak, I encourage everyone to become the person who is kind, listens more and less judges, and has more SAFE PEOPLE, so that people can be healed.
Expert assistance
In this way, in the process of spiritual exploration, everyone can be healed.When encountering these particularly painful things, we must go back and examine it with the eyes of our adults, bigger, farther and more mature, and the magic of the destruction in the past can be made to disappear or reduce.
Just like when my wife returned to her childhood home, the big river in the eyes of the child turned out to be a small ditch.If she didn't go back and examine it, then there will always be a big river in her heart.This is still a good thing. If it is a bad thing, a painful thing, something that cannot be dealt with as a child, now an adult who has been studying for many years, has the wisdom of growth and a new vision, and re-examines it, it will be easier to solve the past again. These hurts.
When doing self-treatment in this area, we must be very careful, lest we encounter inexperienced people.My principle is to explore these things in the past. If it is only a small unpleasantness, you can do it yourself; but if it is a major injury, such as sexual assault, it is best to find a professionally trained person, if it is a pastor who has a professional experience. Training is also fine.
The most important thing is that a professionally trained person can not only keep confidential, he knows the process of psychological injury and healing, he knows that at the right time, when people experience certain traumas and the experience is similar, he knows how to help you in the trauma Promoted from the state.Many times, in the process of Christian counseling, we must rely on the power of the Holy Spirit to help us.
Psychological education
For the Chinese, it is an incorrect notion that seeking psychological counseling is a mental problem.Think about the most important thing in life is family and marriage. Generally, there are courses for repairing cars and science and engineering. In the same way, we must be trained. Everyone has to go through some learning before they can become good parents. Children.
Psychotherapy is an individualized education that teaches a person how to understand oneself, understand one's own emotions, and understand other people's emotions.Another important training for psychotherapists is to let us know that everyone has different ways to deal with past traumas.For example, some people will use cursing methods to protect themselves, and some people will curse others to protect themselves. This cursing other people actually needs love in their heart to get out of their own idioms or old tricks of cursing others. He touches them. When it comes to others, they are always subdued by him, or stay away from him.
When such a person encounters a psychotherapist, if the therapist has received considerable training, he will have good psychological skills or anti-virus equipment.When can a person be healed?It is when the other person's feelings, fears, or joys are truly understood, and in that moment, they can get some healing.
Heart container
But this one who curses others all day long and uses pressure to reject others thousands of miles away, if he succeeds with this move, then he will never need to change, always use the same move to defend himself.I have a patient, and he would say to me the first time, "DR Huang, I have seen XNUMX therapists, and you are the worst of these XNUMX therapists."
If I get angry when I hear this sentence, or defend myself and say to her: "Otherwise, I see other patients have a high cure rate and perform well." If he aroused my defense from the beginning Sex, I fell into her trap.In this situation, not only did I have no way to help him, but I also became no different from ordinary people.
I must have a good heart container for her to vent these pains on me, and I did not get scared away by her like ordinary people, or respond to him by cursing back. In this case, he found that, The past moves do not work, he will start to have the opportunity to develop new moves, can learn and introspect.Therefore, looking for a professional, there will be benefits in this regard.
Fellowship support
In many cases, people must be able to tell the problems in their hearts.In fact, in the process of speaking, you are organizing your thoughts, but it is difficult to clean up in your own heart.If someone can hear you, it is a good way. You can also write it down, but it is better to have a reliable person who can listen to you.
In the absence of a psychological counselor, those who love us and care about us can also help us to some extent.I knew that there was a growth group in the church. Originally, the sisters were sharing at the meeting, and the brothers were talking about ball games and other topics. Gradually, some people were willing to take risks and talk about the problems in their hearts. The people next to them were also willing to watch. Join to share.Sometimes, they spend money to ask for counseling and do some psychological tests to help them coordinate their own problems and explore deeper problems between husband and wife.
These people began to grow up, pay attention to their own married life, and encourage each other to attach importance to their married life.They stipulate that husbands and wives should do their homework and have a conversation every week. They can’t criticize and only speak compliments. They also come up with a fine way to encourage everyone to persevere. Gradually, each pair is working hard. Cultivate family happiness.Therefore, professional counseling is not necessarily required.
Go to experience
When we want to revisit the past, the first step is to rationally understand what happened, as if we were going to travel when looking at the map; but seeing the map clearly is not the most important step, the most important It is the second step, to re-experience from the experience again, from the perspective of an adult, to return to the pain points of the past, with the help of professional counseling, to rethink, and to replace the past behaviors with new and good methods. model.
For example, you know that you have been abandoned by your parents in a dark room since you were young, so you are quite afraid of the dark.Now at night, you can light a lamp to sleep and learn how to take care of yourself.You feel that you haven't received much love since you were a child. Now you can learn to go to church and get more love from God, and you will gain a little more ability to love others.
When you love others and give away, you will find a lot of gains.This is replacing the previous experience with new experience.You can even go to the pet shop without spending a dime, pick the cutest dog, touch it well, and love it. In this way, the dog is loved, and you are also loved.There are many different ways to learn with creativity.
know yourself
You should know your emotion buttons.For example, when the husband goes home, it is the easiest time for husband and wife to quarrel, because when the husband is off work, he needs a little psychological space to be quiet, but the wife does not see the husband all day, usually at that time it is necessary to talk to the husband Speak.
We can learn the state of subconscious operation and turn the state of quarreling unknowingly when we return home to a state of consciousness. After the husband understands his own psychological needs and his wife's needs, he can speak it out in oral language and say to his wife: " Madam, I know we should talk now, but can you give me XNUMX minutes to rest and we will talk later."
Learn to speak out your own psychological needs, that is, to demand in a reasonable way, rather than force.Many intimacy problems lie in. We try to force it and feel that the other party owes us. Before we speak, we should know our needs and meet our needs.
In the past, if there were some deep-seated injuries, you might need professional counseling. I suggest you go to a faithful and well-trained counselor. They will help you through this difficult road.
Professor profile:
Dr. Huang Weiren is an internationally renowned clinical psychologist. He teaches at Northwestern University School of Medicine and is known as "Dr. Love". In October 2004, he was invited to be the keynote speaker of the United Nations World Family Seminar. In May 2002, he was invited by the US government to the White House to meet with President Bush.Dr. Huang in http://blog.sina.com.cn/doctoroflove Articles on Marriage Psychology Education have been viewed more than 3,000,000 times.Dr. Huang has been invited by the governments of China, Singapore, and Malaysia to train marriage, family and psychologists for him.He is the international lecturer of the American Association for the Love of the Family (Focus on the Family), the Messenger Association, the Taiwan Fook Communication Center, the consultant of the True Love Association, and the convener of the AACC Multicultural Track Leader of the American Christian Psychological Counseling Association (AACC Multicultural Track Leader) in September 2013 On the 9th, he won the AACC Special Contribution Award for Multicultural Consultation, and was a consultant of the Shanghai Psychological Association.Authors "There is still a blue sky outside the window", "Love is to cherish each other" and "The secret of living in love".