Qiao Kaiqing-Registered Psychological Counselling in Texas (Victor Chiao LPC)
Anxiety can be described as a powerful force in our body that can usually determine our perceptions, feelings, and behaviors about ourselves and others.Sometimes anxiety can help us, but at other times, it can cause us to say or do things that we might regret later.When we or others have anxiety, learning to recognize anxiety can make our behavior more superior and productive.This can be applied to all of our relationships, especially those we consider most intimate and important.The seminar will study anxiety from a systematic perspective. The content of the discussion is applicable to one or more relationships and any environment, such as workplaces, neighborhoods, homes, churches, etc.An anxiety disorder, a type of mental illness, and its accompanying symptoms, are not discussed at this time.
First of all, what is the physiological basis of anxiety?When we realize that there is a threat to our safety in the environment, the nervous system releases stress hormones, such as adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol, which prepares the body for "fight or flight."In other words, when we feel a threat, we feel anxious, and our body prepares us to "fight" or "escape" the threat.The thinking part of our brain also begins to shut down, allowing us to react without thinking.The amygdala is one of them. It plays an important role in anxiety. It is the "emotional center" of the brain, responsible for storing events and their emotional memories so that we can recognize similar events in the future.
Anxiety can be further divided into two types: acute and chronic.Acute anxiety will have an automatic and immediate response to actual security threats that are coming (such as encountering a dangerous animal or about to hit your car).As mentioned earlier, the unthinking part of the brain's response will be mastered in order to maintain a livelihood.Once the threat of acute anxiety is eliminated, the anxiety will gradually subside as the brain returns to a more normal state.Contrary to acute anxiety, chronic anxiety is caused by threats usually associated with the formation of experiences.In addition, even though the feeling of threat may be real, it is not true in the sense that we are not in danger of being physically harmed.Our response to chronic anxiety can usually be corrected.Unlike acute anxiety, chronic anxiety often follows us like “background noise” even if the threat is eliminated.To illustrate how chronic anxiety disorder develops, let us imagine a child growing up in a family who often witnesses loud arguments, including angry physical and language expressions, yelling, controversy, and mutual insults.As a child who does not have the ability to cope with adults, the hostility he suffered constitutes a very real threat to his safety.When the child is anxious about this threat, other things will happen at the same time without knowing it.First, he makes explanations or implications for the hostile behavior he has seen, then he may feel various emotions related to these explanations, and finally, his body responds in a self-preserving state of safety.In this example, the child may interpret the meaning as: "Mom and Dad don't love each other anymore... Disagreement is bad... People will hurt each other when they disagree."Accompanying these meanings may be feelings of sadness, anger, fear, etc.Finally, in order to maintain his safety and livelihood, the child may hide in his room to avoid those painful interactions.
Now, imagine that this child has grown up. One day, he will have a regular conversation with his friends until his friends say his disagreement.At this time, the amygdala of his brain immediately recalled the childhood experience of witnessing his parents arguing loudly and disagreeing.Even if his friends' comments did not pose a real threat to his safety, his adult brain still caused anxiety about his friends' disagreements.For him, the meaning of "disagreement is bad" has been with him unconsciously during his growth. Therefore, when he considers whether to disagree with his friends, he will feel anxious and related to it. Unpleasant feeling.In short, when chronic anxiety is triggered, our brain will react as if past threats are real in the present.As a result, an adult may react in various ways to keep himself physically or emotionally safe. The method may be to break away from the conversation and walk away, try to change the topic of the conversation, and may even agree with his friend, even if this is not the case.This is just one example of how chronic anxiety may affect our lives and relationships.However, as mentioned earlier, the response to chronic anxiety can be changed. Therefore, as adults, we can choose to use new behaviors that are beneficial to us and others instead of insisting on using childhood responses. used.
Now that we have realized that anxiety is a real biochemical and neurological reaction that will have a significant impact on our life, how do we recognize anxiety in our interpersonal relationships so that we can consciously and respond favorably, Instead of a thoughtless reaction?Before continuing to explore the physical, emotional, and behavioral signs of anxiety, please remember that although anxiety may seem an unpleasant experience, it is not a good thing or a bad thing in itself.Anxiety is a normal part of human experience, just like geocentric attraction.It can be harmful or useful, no matter what the situation, if we want, it can always act as an excellent teacher and deepen our understanding of ourselves.A good first step is to learn to observe all the different signs of anxiety.When we are anxious, our body usually responds in a predictable way.These may include muscle tension, sweating, rapid heartbeat, shaking, trembling, shortness of breath, headache, nausea, abdominal pain, and dizziness.As for emotions, researchers generally agree that all emotions in the human experience can be divided into four broad categories: sadness, anger, happiness, and fear.Euphoria or happiness is usually caused in non-threatening situations and has nothing to do with anxiety.However, the "unpleasant" emotions of anger, sadness, and fear, as well as their similar feelings and the intensity of changes, can usually indicate the existence of underlying anxiety.Regarding the behavioral instructions for anxiety, when we become anxious in interpersonal communication, we usually adopt any one of the following four postures: conflict, distance, over-function and under-function, projection or triangle relationship.Remind you again, none of these responses are good or bad, right or wrong.Any of them may be suitable for different situations.However, please strive to be aware of these actions when they occur so that you can choose to act in the way that is most beneficial to your relationship.
When one or more people in the system adopt a confrontational and aggressive posture, conflicts occur.The characteristics of people involved in conflicts include: trying to force people who disagree to agree; there can be no mistakes or "failures"; unwillingness to change themselves, bullying or dominating others; and blaming others.Conflict may lead to heated arguments and escalate into physical violence.Persuasion can also be considered as a mild form of conflict.People who keep their distance when they are anxious will be in an avoidant and passive position, which can be expressed as physical or emotional separation.They cannot tolerate interpersonal conflict.Therefore, this relationship is usually peaceful, but also superficial. "Cut off" is an extreme form of keeping distance, and there is no longer any form of contact between individuals.Over-functioning and under-functioning indicate a concept called "relationship reciprocity", which means that they are often together.When one person is over-functioning, the other person must be under-functioning.Over-functioning can be said that one of the parties has more reasonable responsibilities than the other, whether it is work tasks or emotional processing. On the contrary, the under-functioning party bears less responsibility. The phrase "20% of people do 80% of work" illustrates this concept in a sense. "Pleasure others" is another example, which illustrates how you feel about others, taking responsibility or refusing to take responsibility for yourself.When two people try to relieve their anxiety and one or both of them try to vent their anxiety to a third party, this is called a projection or triangle relationship.Triangular relationships can take many different forms.Some examples include getting other people to resolve disputes, letting children fall into parental anxiety, venting and gossiping to others.As these examples show, the triangle relationship is very common and may be used in conjunction with conflict, distance and over-functioning, and under-functioning.
As we learn from the above-mentioned anxiety response patterns and discover that it is harmful to ourselves and the system in which we participate, then we can learn how to manage it.We cannot prevent or eliminate anxiety, but we can strive to minimize its negative effects.This starts with a personal acknowledgment that "I can only control myself." As we reduce our anxiety, we can try to contain its spread and prevent its escalation in the system.It is also important to remember that this learning will involve many successes and failures, and will require a lifetime of exercise and repeated practice.
One method of managing anxiety disorders involves changing or enhancing lifestyle choices.Some of these include continuous physical exercise, good sleep hygiene, healthy eating habits, hobbies and restrictions on alcohol and stimulants.Maintaining a well-maintained body can usually deal with various challenges more effectively.In order to solve the anxiety in the current relationship, some specific methods can be adopted to alleviate the deterioration of this situation.These include:
● Pay attention to physical sensations, such as muscle tension, rapid heartbeat, etc.
● Control breathing by slowly inhaling and exhaling (5 seconds each time)
● Identify and name emotions, such as feelings of depression, sadness, confusion, etc.
● Ask for a cooling-off period and resume the conversation when the mood calms down.
● Use effective communication skills, such as active listening and "me" language.
You may recall earlier mentioned that when we are faced with a threat and the nervous system prepares the body for "fight or flight", the thinking part of the brain begins to shut down.Engaging in the above exercises calms our body and restores our thinking functions, so we can make conscious decisions instead of making reactive decisions.Of course, learning these anxiety management strategies is out of our "hope" to change the important relationship between ourselves and us for the better.
In order to promote lasting progress in our ability to effectively manage chronic anxiety, we will benefit greatly from the routine reflection time and the process of asking specific questions to identify and clarify our values or beliefs.During this period of reflection, we can diary, meditate, pray, or talk to our confidant about recent anxiety.One way to deal with anxiety is to review the experience and ask yourself the following series of questions:
1. What has caused anxiety in me? (For example: "My friend said something I disagree with.")
2. What is the meaning of my experience when I am anxious? (For example: "If I disagree with my friend, my friend will not like me... If I disagree with his friend, my friend and I will get into a bad argument.")
3. How do I feel? (For example: "I'm very angry, my friend said something like this...I'm afraid of losing friends."
4. How can I cope with anxiety? (For example: "I decided not to speak because I don't want to make my friends sad.")
It may not be easy to answer these questions first, but through repeated practice and in the face of chronic anxiety, we can finally understand our behavior patterns more clearly.The next question is whether our response is helping or harming our relationship.If we believe that improving relationships is essential, then we must determine the values that we want to guide our behavior, rather than anxiety dictating our reactions.We can start with the following simple questions:
● What do I value?What are my core beliefs or guiding principles? (For example: "I believe in telling the truth in love... I believe in loving my neighbor.")
● What kind of relationship do I want? (For example: "I want my wife and children to feel safe when talking with me", which shows that vulnerability and intimacy are valuable.)
● How do I want to build relationships? (For example: "I want to be patient, accepting, not judging, etc.")
● In this case, what do I think is the correct approach? (For example: "Even if my friend says something hurtful, I will not respond in retribution, but will tell him how I feel in a calm voice.")
As we become more and more aware of the values that we have to face anxiety to guide our behavior, we can use this newly discovered self-awareness and understanding to increase the reflection time introduced earlier.By reviewing past experience from the perspective of our clear values, we can make meanings and decisions that will reflect these values more closely in the future when faced with the anxiety that triggers them.